


What To Do When Your Boyfriend Is Too Hot

by ayyyy (RosaAquafire)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Dave being a fucking idiot as per usual, Jealousy, M/M, Passive Aggressive Pesterlogs, Very background Dirkjake, biolum hc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-13
Updated: 2017-05-13
Packaged: 2018-10-31 10:42:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10897683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RosaAquafire/pseuds/ayyyy
Summary: Moving to a new universe and a new paradigm brings a lot of changes. And Dave kind of likes the way things were before, back on the Meteor, when he had Karkat all to himself and didn't spend sleepless nights waiting for the shoe to fall.





	What To Do When Your Boyfriend Is Too Hot

**Author's Note:**

  * For [icel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/icel/gifts).



In the last four months, Dave Strider has learned some things about himself.

For example:

Dave’s figured out that he fucking _loves_ being outdoors. After graduating from the land of burning sky, garbage-smell, and concrete right into the bosom of a featureless rock hurtling through black empty space, the simple pleasure of walking through soft dewey grass in barefeet feels downright _decadent._ He’s taken to doing shit like waking up early, leaving his shades by his pile of blankets, and laying down in soft bowers of sweet-smelling green clover while the sun slowly rises around him. It’s some Wind in the Willows, Mister Toad sort of bullshit that he doesn’t even care is in no way cool. If the reward for all the bullshit he’s gone through is this planet, he’s going to roll around in it like a pig in shit, thanks.

That’s just one thing. There’s actually a whole lot of others.

Like, Dave finds he actually likes meeting new people. His life never really provided much opportunity for it, and his own walls tended to block out those rare chances that arose. Now that it’s all new world, new chances, new Dave, he’s starting to get a pulse-read on his own bad self and the rhythm it beats to is one that takes a lot of joy in just digging into a new person and finding the common ground between them. Sure, right now, new people is just chess guys and weird sprites and hot grandmas, but it’s something new, it’s something good. It’s something he likes and wants for himself.

Dave likes food. Like, real food. Food that isn’t dry ramen or janky alchemized snacks, but stuff like apple fritters and deep dish pizza and butterscotch pie and roasted potatoes. He loves sitting down with the whole group and eating the sort of food he maybe never actually believed existed.

He misses the meteor, sometimes, but never really wants to go there and walk around in the empty halls. He doesn’t miss the place so much as the time, he thinks. He recognizes it as something he’s never really experienced before: nostalgia.

He enjoys having nothing to do, nothing pressing on his plate, lazy afternoons, life moving through him like he’s mesh.

He forgot what blue sky looked like.

He likes the sound of chessguy chittering as a backing track for beats.

Oh, and here’s something else he’s learning about himself:

He’s a jealous little bitch.

*

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] --  
TG: yo   
TG: bro   
TG: hey   
TG: karkat   
CG: WHAT.   
TG: hi   
CG: HI, DAVE.   
CG: THAT WAS ABSOLUTELY DESERVING OF FOUR SEPARATE MESSAGES.   
TG: boom thought so   
TG: sweet   
TG: i continue to be the reigning king of not coming off like a desperate tool   
TG: all hail motherfuckers   
TG: what are the haps anything cool going on out there   
CG: ACTUALLY, YES.   
TG: what really   
CG: I JUST FUCKING SAID SO, DIDN’T I?   
CG: AS IT HAPPENS, JAKE FOUND SOME OLD EARTH MOVIES BURIED IN THAT INCOMPREHENSIBLE WASTEGARDEN HE USES FOR A SYLLADEX.   
CG: I HAVE NO IDEA HOW HE FUCKING USES THAT THING, IT’S BEYOND ALL LEVELS OF FUCKING ASININE.   
TG: hey you gotta give it up to him that shit has nigh infinite space   
CG: AND THE ORGANIZATIONAL CAPACITY OF AN ACTUAL MOUNTAIN OF IDENTICAL TURDS.   
TG: hahah   
TG: fair enough dude im not looking to switch over   
TG: score any especially sick booty or anything   
TG: um like pirates booty   
TG: im not asking you to assess the general tier of ass-hotness over there or whatever   
CG: NO SHIT, FUCKWIT.   
TG: okay whew   
CG: TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION, THERE ARE A LOT I’VE NEVER SEEN HERE BEFORE.   
CG: THOUGH I’M NOT SURE YOU’D CONSIDER ANY OF THEM ESPECIALLY “ILL” CONSIDERING YOUR BAD OPINIONS ON GOOD MOVIES.   
TG: uhhhhhh   
TG: i think you mean   
TG: my RAD opinions on SHITTY movies   
CG: THAT IS ONE HUNDRED PERCENT NOT WHAT I MEANT, BUT OKAY.   
TG: come on list the loot   
TG: lets categorize this bullshit   
TG: make a top ten list   
TG: we can like tier them by which are most likely to lead to the sloppiest makeouts   
TG: oh shit   
TG: is wet hot american summer on there cause uh   
TG: theres a scene in there thats hella boner worthy that i really couldnt appreciate the first time i saw it for   
TG: reasons   
TG: gay reasons   
TG: i am totally ready to get down and dirty to wet hot american summer yo   
CG: UM.   
CG: OKAY HE ACTUALLY DOES HAVE THAT ONE HERE.   
TG: oh fuck yes   
CG: BUT I ALREADY SAID I’D DEFINITELY WATCH THEM WITH HIM?   
TG: oh   
TG: uh   
TG: ok i guess thats definitely taking the boner hunting aspect off the table   
CG: WE’RE ACTUALLY GOING TO WATCH ONE TONIGHT, IF YOU WANT TO JOIN IN. HE KEEPS TELLING ME WE NEED TO WATCH ONE CALLED “SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE.”   
TG: oh god   
TG: its taking all my self control not to make some joke about what a girl movie that is   
CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP.   
TG: eh   
TG: sure whatever   
TG: doesnt really matter anyway   
CG: DOES THIS MEAN YOU WANT TO WATCH IT WITH US, OR NOT?   
TG: idk   
TG: like   
TG: idk whatever ill come if you want me there   
TG: and i guess go hang out with john or something if you like   
TG: dont   
CG: WAIT, HOLD ON. WHY WOULDN’T I WANT YOU THERE?   
TG: you do then?   
CG: OF COURSE I DO, YOU BLITHERING SHITMOUTH, YOU MIGHT HAVE NOTICED IF YOU WERE PAYING ATTENTION SOMETIME IN THE PAST THREE YEARS THAT I LIKE HAVING YOU AROUND?   
TG: haha   
TG: yeah ok   
TG: sure   
TG: lets watch this garbage why not   
TG: whens this shit going down give me the deets and ill be there 

*

The thing is, Dave doesn’t like the shit Karkat likes.

He thinks about this, staring at the ceiling of their little shelter, listening to Karkat breathe and occasionally chirp in his sleep beside him. He thinks about it until it gives him a mighty hole in his middle and he really just wants to roll over, wrap himself around Karkat, wake him up, and ask him some desperate needy bullshit.

_Hey, dude, you like me, right? Like, like like me? Like actually me?_

He tucks his hands under his ass so they don’t wander. Clamps down his lips. Karkat still has a hard time getting to sleep, which makes waking him up a cruelty on par with human trafficking. He doesn’t want to bother Karkat. He _loves_ Karkat.

_Do you love me back, dude?_

He swallows hard.

The thing is -- the thing is, when he starts tearing this whole thing apart and getting it down to its nitty gritty component parts, Karkat is kind of like a gay dude, right. The whole panquadrant thing, and all. And when Dave starts putting the people in Karkat’s life into boxes, this pattern that makes him feel honestly just fucking sick starts emerging.

Maybe Dave was just kind of… the only really available person?

Now there are more people. More options. Karkat’s the kind of guy who turns every head he walks by, and with so many more heads in the mix, what’s Dave really bringing to the table?

Jake English is that kind of guy, too, Dave thinks, swallowing hard.

And Karkat wants to watch movies with him.

Dave doesn’t manage to get much sleep that night.

*

“Shit, my man,” Dave says, looking over the mayor’s shoulder at the scrawl of diagrams and drawing. “Is this for real, dude? Y’all’re actually making this happen?”

The shiney black ball of chitin erupts into a stream of furious chatter, and Dave laughs, holds up his hands, takes a solid step back.

“Yo, now, come on, I’m not _doubting_ you, bro. Just sayin’. There are like a million fuckloads of difference between building a Can Town out of… y’know… fuckin’ _cans_ , and making a life-sized, to-scale model, dog.”

The mayor’s chittering grows louder. Across the way, the taller, white chess lady straightens from her crouched position, plants her clawed hands on her flat hips, and narrows her beady black eyes into a glare.

“Whoa, now.” Dave retreats another few feet, eyebrows all the way up in his hairline. “No need to get the missus involved, man. If you think you can do it, I believe you!”

As the barrage of chatter fades back into more intellectually charged mumblings, Dave peers over the mayor’s shoulder at the plans. They echo almost exactly back to the final form of the model town he and Karkat had constructed in the bowels of the meteor. There was the public library. There were the roads, dotted with lampposts. He can even see the recording studio he’d built near Karkat’s movie theatre. And there, of course, right in the middle, shining with the light of democracy, is the mayor’s beloved City Hall. He traces all the lines and designs with his eyes, and it takes him back almost as reliably as his timetables might have. The scribbled black lines turn to chalk and tin cans and old labels and string. He’s building a tower that might fall over any second, really jenga-ing that ship, and Karkat is across the room, carefully putting down straight lines with red chalk. He sneaks a look over his shoulder. Karkat doesn’t notice, and it lets him take a moment to study his profile, his nose and his chin, the bright little nubs of his horns through his hair. Dave smiles, and then his tower topples, Karkat whips his head around, Dave turns bright red, and --

“Do you think they can really do it?”

The voice is right at his ear, prickling the hair on the back of his neck, and Dave jumps nearly out of his fucking skin. He dances a step away, turning about, heart racing.

He doesn’t pull out his sword, though. Two years ago, fuck, _one_ year ago, he’d have both hands on the hilt and be ready to go. Now, in the vastly improved present, he just catches his breath and looks sheepishly at the bemused face of his boyfriend.

He drops his eyes, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Fuck, dude,” he mutters, caught between memories of the past and fears about the future. “Don’t sneak up on a guy like that.”

“Sneak up on you?” Karkat repeats, furrowing his brow and folding his arms and rolling his eyes so hard Dave worries they’re going to get the torque to spin right out of his head. “I’ve only been screaming your name at the top of my fucking lungs all the way down the hill.”

“Oh.” Dave isn’t sure what to say to that. _Sorry, bro, I was daydreaming about you and having a lowkey anxiety attack at the same time, guess I wasn’t paying attention._ He has this intense urge to go up to his gorgeous troll boyfriend, wrap him in his arms, maybe dip him for a super fucking dramatic kiss in sight of all the chess folks. But doubt and fear gnaw at the edges of his heart, and instead he just kicks at a clod of grass. “What’s up?”

But Karkat’s attention is elsewhere now, taken up by the plots of land their chitiny friends have cordoned off and the spots where the grass has been worn down to dusty dirt paths. He walks a couple steps closer, falling in at Dave’s side and looping an arm with his almost absently. Dave’s heart skips, oh, eighteen beats.

“Wow. Look at this, holy fuck. They’re actually doing it?”

“Karkat. Come on. Did you really doubt the _mayor?_ Geez, what the fuck, dude. When I tell him this, he’s going to be --”

“No, that’s not what I -- look, you aren’t telling him jack _shit_ , Dave, or I’m going to --”

“I mean, fuck, you, of all people, just throwing his promises into _question_ like this! He’s gonna be devastated, bro, I can’t believe you --”

“Oh my fucking _shit_ , are you capable of shutting _up_?”

Karkat elbows Dave hard enough that he stumbles to the side a full pace. Laughing, Dave pulls back in close, wrapping an arm around Karkat’s shoulders and squeezing him in. Karkat tries to push him off with eyebrows pulled down and two hands wielded like paddles, but Dave holds on tight. Anxieties feel a thousand miles away, and why shouldn’t they? Come on, Strider, why not just be cool? Karkat Vantas <3 Dave Strider forever. This isn’t fucking going anywhere. This new sun will go supernova before that happens.

Dave leans in and kisses the top of Karkat’s head. His bottom lip lands on chitinous horn, smooth and cool. And Karkat seems to melt, relaxing against his side and grumbling something under his breath before lapsing into contended if reluctant chirping.

“Yeah,” Dave says. “They’re totally gonna do it. Can Town, here we come, lifesized and totally real edition.”

“Fuck,” Karkat murmurs, suitably impressed.

“I’m gonna pick us out the _best_ fucking can,” Dave says. “One of those nice, like, five story cans, with fuckin’ terraces and swimming pools and, like… hot tubs and shit.”

Karkat turns his face into Dave’s shoulder and mutters something. It’s borderline completely incomprehensible, but Dave thinks it _might_ be something like, _Whatever, any can is good as long as it’s with you._

He hopes that’s it.

*

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] --   
TG: hey    
CG: HI.    
TG: so like    
TG: uh    
TG: i love you?    
CG: WHAT THE FUCK?    
CG: WHAT IS THIS ABOUT?    
TG: wow really    
TG: geez karkat    
TG: what is it about    
TG: fuckin really right now    
TG: ya boi spends half an hour staring at his phone getting the courage to send some primo teir sappy nonsense and you’re just all what is this about really    
TG: really    
TG: thats how were playing this    
TG: really    
CG: OH MY GOD, DO YOU HAVE AN OFF SWITCH?    
TG: you know i do babe    
TG: winky face goes here    
TG: penis emoji goes here    
TG: stand by    
TG: dick pic incoming    
CG: I AM SITTING LITERALLY SIDE BY SIDE WITH JAKE RIGHT NOW. OUR UPPER LEG MEATS ARE TOUCHING. IF I SO MUCH AS CATCH A FUCKING GLIMPSE OF TURNTECHGODHEAD IS SENDING A MESSAGE OF SOME SHIT, I’M TURNING MY PHONE OFF FOREVER.    
TG: haha    
TG: yeah ok not sure i want sexy grandpa to see my junk    
TG: fine then    
CG: BUT IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER, I LOVE YOU TOO.    
TG: sweet 

*

A few days pass and the anxiety is back in full fucking force.

Jake English, curse his hot bubble ass to the last fucking circle of hell, is trying to teach Dave’s boyfriend how to fish. They’re all standing at the fishing hole like best buds. Jake is laughing and showing Karkat how to grip a rod. (Dave avoids making an internal sex joke here, because that makes him feel sick.) Karkat is letting loose some truly ferocious tirades, which, as Dave knows from experience, is a core part of his courting ritual.

When Jake starts doing that _thing_ that _humans never do_ unless they are playing a part in a movie, where he stands behind Karkat and adjusts his grip and there’s no way that Jake’s dick isn’t resting lovingly up against Karkat’s fucking buttcrack, Dave stalks off to go kill himself.

Those two are perfect for each other, hottie on hottie, and they’ll be fucking within a month while Dave is a dim memory.

He finds his brother… father… _Dirk_ , sitting under an apple tree overlooking the fishing spot. After giving it a second of thought, Dave shrugs and wanders over to settle down beside maybe the only person who might actually see what’s happening, Lion King Can You Feel The Love Tonight style.

“Hey,” says Dave.

“Yo,” says Dirk.

They look down at their objects of affection grinding up on each other.

“Fuck that shit, am I right?” Dave says, all casual-like.

“Yeah,” Dirk replies, and then seems to remember something beyond the requisite crushing despair. He shakes himself and shoots Dave a guilty look. “I mean, no. Definitely not.” His mouth twists in an ugly curl and he looks away again. “Not for you, anyway.”

“Right,” Dave says. He doesn’t sound convinced, which makes sense, because he’s absolutely not convinced. “Sure.”

Dirk folds his lips and shakes his head. “I mean,” he says, “I just mean, Jake and I aren’t together right now. Or at all. Or, whatever. It’s just, like, it just means he’s willing to find somebody else. Somebody a lot… better. Than me. In, uh, every single fucking way.”

“I think this is socially where I’m supposed to mouth some platitudes all aw no dude you’re a catch but since I’ve had enough brushes with hilarious incest to last me several lifetimes how about I sidestep right out of this new trap and just say that, honestly, same?”

Dirk rests his chin on his knees and runs a hand through his hair. “You and Karkat are _together_ ,” he says, and he sounds the way a kid probably does right after blowing out his birthday candles. Maybe. Dave wouldn’t know, honestly. “He’s not in the market for somebody else.”

“He probably should be,” Dave murmurs. Below, Karkat’s gotten frustrated with Jake’s hands on teaching approach and is waving him off and sputtering out obscenities. Dave smiles faintly. Sadly. “I mean, fuckin look at those two. Jesus wow. Matched pair, or what?”

“Uh, yeah.”

“I just mean, they’re both hot.”

“Right, got that. Have eyes in my head, and all.”

“Yeah. And tens go for tens, you know.” Dave adjusted his shades to try and hide the grimace he knows is slinking across his face. “Just -- fuck, look at them. Karkat finally has some _options_ in his life instead of yours truly getting defaulted into the position.”

“Well -- hold on, no. I don’t think that’s how it is,” Dirk says, digging in his heels. “Like, I really don’t. I’ve seen you two together. I’ve seen the way he looks at you. Hot or not, there’s no fucking way Karkat’s looking to shack up with Jake.”

“Yeah? Then why do _you_ look so fucking worried?” Dave shoots back.

Dirk doesn’t have an answer for that. He shakes his head, and his eyes never leave his ex down below.

Honestly. Relatable.

Dave watches, feeling like his heart is being sucked out through a straw.

*

That night, when Karkat squirms back against him, begins to glow faintly in the darkness of their shelter, and then turns and presses himself down the length of Dave’s body, Dave is desperately glad. He can’t remember since the first time, having been so eager to kiss him, touch him, trace the patches of crimson-red bioluminesce with his fingers. But when things go to graduate into truly spicey territory, Dave number two loses his sea legs and flounders.

“What’s wrong?” Karkat asks, and for Karkat, it’s actually pretty quiet and gentle.

_I can’t stop thinking about losing you,_ Dave wants to reply, but he’s pretty sure if he says the words out loud, two things are going to happen.

First, he’s going to fucking cry, and wow, fuck that.

Second, he’s going to make it all real.

“I’m tired,” he lies, and then, long after Karkat’s glow has faded, he stares up at the ceiling while demons plague him.

*

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

TT: I understand that there are predicaments afoot.    
TT: I’m here to offer my assistance.    
TG: what    
TT: Difficulties ensuing. Distress at work. Hitches developing. Storms on the horizon.    
TG: shit its finally happened    
TG: we hoped this day wouldnt come    
TG: rose is spewing idioms from every orifice    
TT: Are you telling me to take my sympathetic ear and practical advice elsewhere, or just being your usual obtuse self? I literally cannot tell.    
TG: what makes you think i need sympathy or advice    
TT: Dave, really. You should know by now that I go through life with my ear to the ground, finely turned to pick up any rumblings of potentially fascinating psychological conundrums.    
TG: you mean juicy gossip    
TT: I do indeed mean juicy gossip.    
TG: and theres gossip about me    
TT: Yes.    
TG: ergh    
TG: yeah cant say im too fuckin STOKED at the thought that my bullshit is the talk of the shantytown    
TG: so thanks for that    
TT: Relax. I didn’t hear it through the proverbial grapevine, if that’s what you’re concerned about. One specific person approached me, wondering if I might know how to handle the situation, is all.    
TG: who    
TT: Our father.    
TG: nope   
TT: What?    
TG: nope we are all kinds of not calling him that   
TT: Hm.    
TT: Interesting.    
TT: Aren’t you the one simply bursting at the seams to refer to Roxy as “Mom” whatever opportunity you can find?    
TT: It would stand to reason that you would be equally eager to cast Dirk in his biologically accurate role as the patriarch of this little Strider-Lalonde clan, no?    
TT: Or perhaps you’d prefer brother?    
TG: id prefer neither and honestly i dont fucking care how hes theoretically metaphysically tubebaby related to us or whatever im still going to kick his ass    
TT: I’m not entirely sure you could.    
TG: oh shit    
TG: oh no you didnt    
TG: now im fucking compelled to do it    
TG: gotta prove myself    
TG: mano a mano    
TG: only one will walk away    
TG: you have this on your conscience rose    
TG: you could have avoided this    
TG: brb gotta get my sword and throw the glove    
TG: its goin DOWN    
TT: Dave.    
TG: no    
TT: Why would you ever think that Karkat would consider leaving you?    
TG: did you not see me say no    
TT: I hadn’t even asked the question yet.    
TG: yeah but you’re talking to the master of time lady i knew what you were gonna say before you even said it    
TG: also i guess ive known you for a really long time    
TG: and youre the kind of person who asks like    
TG: reasonable fucking questions    
TG: and thats a reasonable fucking question    
TG: that i just really don’t want to answer    
TG: and im just seeing how long I can draw this out    
TG: read any good books lately rose    
TT: You have to know just how committed Karkat is to this relationship. How much he cares for you. Haven’t we had this conversation half a dozen times already, back on the meteor? Did you learn nothing?    
TG: ok but    
TG: like yes    
TG: but also    
TG: that was fucking then dude    
TG: this is now    
TG: this is different??    
TT: Why on earth would it be different?    
TG: because it is!    
TG: fucking    
TG: garhhf    
TG: look before back on the meteor i was like    
TG: i mean karkat like    
TG: you know karkat right hes so like hes just the kind of guy who wants someone right hes the guy who needs somebody in his life hes that guy    
TG: and so just like right look    
TG: look    
TG: if karkat wanted to be in a relationship with somebody which we all know he did because its fucking karkat like what were his options    
TG: if you get rid of all the people who already had people and the trolls who want normal troll things you get    
TG: me    
TG: and check it    
TG: im the one he ended up with    
TG: despite him being completely out of my league    
TT: What makes you say that?    
TG: oh come on    
TT: What?    
TG: come on rose youre not that gay    
TG: nobodys that gay    
TG: karkat is a fucking BABE dude    
TT: Is he.    
TG: obviously??    
TG: and im like some fuckin    
TG: malnourished slumping ginger texan who is definitely getting some love handles    
TG: oh and also my personality is terrible    
TG: cant forget that little nugget    
TT: This is very strange.    
TT: I honestly thought you’d mostly worked through your myriad of self esteem problems. In large part through Karkat.    
TG: well maybe i just ran out of people to compare myself to    
TT: Like Jake English?    
TG: good to know youre not actually blind    
TT: Hm?    
TT: Oh.    
TT: Certainly not. My word. So much hair in so many places, that one.    
TT: But intellectually, I suppose I can evaluate his appearance as being especially fine, yes.    
TG: right    
TG: so    
TG: a good match for karkat    
TG: a better match honestly    
TT: So is that what this is all about? Something as simple as thinking you’re not attractive enough for him? Do you think that Karkat is that shallow?    
TG: no    
TG: i mean    
TG: ugh its not just looks though right    
TG: they like the same things    
TT: They like exactly one of the same things.    
TG: yeah but they both like it a whole lot    
TG: and man    
TG: no way    
TG: theres definitely other stuff they hang out so much lately come on    
TG: come on    
TG: fuck    
TG: what do karkat and i have in common    
TG: really    
TG: there was pretty much like one thing and it was    
TG: “being shot through space out of a shotgun on a meteor”    
TG: and yeah    
TG: that life phase is over    
TG: time to move on right    
TG: right    
TG: come on dude like    
TG: time for me to just grow up and deal with it or whatever    
TT: Are you done?    
TG: sure    
TT: All right.    
TT: That was a whole lot of garbage.    
TG: meh    
TT: No, really. Do you have any idea how ridiculous you sound, right now?    
TT: First of all, by the time our voyage through the abyss was over, you were quoting Good Luck Chuck on the regular, a film that you would never have dreamed of even half-watching before our journey. I have personally never seen it, and don’t even intend to, and could still most likely recite about half the script purely from my recollections of your regurgitations.    
TT: Just because you don’t engage with his interests on the same level as he does doesn’t mean that it’s something incompatible. If anything, adopting his passions as your own is a sign of a good relationship.    
TT: Secondly,    
TT: It’s honestly more than a little unfair of you to not allow Karkat to have or make new friends. After being with you, and only you, for our years aboard the meteor, he suddenly has to deal with you reconnecting with John and Jade, not to mention your strangely loaded relationship with ostensible strangers like Dirk and Roxy. It’s the most natural thing in the world that, while you explore and cultivate these additional relationships, Karkat also seeks out people he has things in common with and form his own connections, independent from you.    
TT: Finally, you’re being an insufferable little brat.    
TG: damn    
TG: dont pull your punches or anything    
TT: Why would I?    
TT: Certainly, no one else is going to be direct with you, and it’s exactly what you need right now.    
TT: Dave, honestly. You and Karkat have been together for years. And our situation isolated you from a great many of your unique… complexes. But now, in this new situation, you’re going to act like this at the first sign of a conflict?    
TT: Why are you letting your legendary jealousy run rampant instead of actually having a conversation with the person you love?    
TG: wait    
TG: hold up    
TG: whats this about legendary jealousy    
TG: im not usually jealous    
TT: I    
TT: …    
TT: Is this a joke?    
TG: what the fuck    
TG: no    
TG: this is real    
TG: what the fuck??    
TT: Dave.    
TG: what?????    
TT: Do you not remember all the times where Jade and I, while also pestering with you, would get especially drawn into one of our debates about the merits of the Squiddles, and momentarily ignore your own blinking window, only to come back to a thousand messages and your status set to rancorous?    
TG: well    
TG: i mean    
TG: thats not jealous dude thats just    
TG: you know it was just a joke like haha hey yall stop ignoring me    
TT: Mm-hm.    
TG: it wasnt    
TG: like    
TG: …    
TG: whoa    
TT: Have you seriously gone your whole life thinking that you weren’t a jealous person?    
TG: jesus    
TT: My god.    
TG: yeah    
TT: Amazing.    
TG: i know fuck    
TT: Well.    
TT: Here is some comfort, then.    
TT: Jade and I did not hate you. We were not shutting you out. We were just enjoying a conversation that happened to not include you, as we often enjoyed conversations with you that did not happen to include each other. It has been years since then and we are still here, across time, space, and all probability.    
TT: And we are only just very fond of you.    
TT: Karkat loves you, idiot.    
TT: So the very least you can do is actually talk to him about all of this instead of assuming his thoughts, feelings, and intentions!    
TG: … yeah    
TT: Yeah?    
TG: yeah    
TG: fuck    
TG: youre right    
TT: Of course I am. When am I ever not? 

*

Dave spends another sleepless night staring at the ceiling. The army of snakes doing pirouettes in his guts have been joined by a second, even stronger army, doing something more like triple axel backflips. The thought of losing Karkat, forever, seems utterly dwarfed by the looming threat of having to have a _conversation_ with him.

Dave rehearses different approaches, trying them on like ill-fitting socks. _Hey, dude, can we talk about something?_ sounds pathetic, but _yo, we need to talk_ sounds super aggressive and angry. Something more like _are you chillin’ with Jake again, today?_ could work, but he’s pretty sure if he says his rival’s name out loud he’s going to be transparent as shit. Anyway, he’s always been bad at being all coy and sideways about things. He should just be direct. Maybe open with something just like… _Hey, Karkat, my internal bullshit fountain has been spewing nonstop lately, do you maybe want to assuage me, here?_

That feels the best. It’s self-deprecating but gets right to the point. That’s good. That’ll work.

Outside, the sky slowly turns grey, then pink. It would be a great morning to go enjoy the outdoors, but somehow the thought of feeling good makes the bad feelings way stronger. There’s no way he’s doing anything but be miserable until he’s got this sorted.

The sky’s on its way to watery blue when Karkat grumbles and rolls over beside him.

“M’rning,” he mumbles, his face against Dave’s shoulder.

“Hey,” Dave replies softly. He feels as if he’s tiptoeing around an armed explosive.

Karkat frowns and props himself up on one elbow. He peers down at Dave, blinking slowly. The slit of his eyes gleam with phosphorescence in the dim morning light, and his hair is tousled so much Dave can’t even see his horns. He looks rumpled and boyish and innocent. Dave’s heart dances the jitterbug.

“Dave?” Karkat asks, reaching up and trying to straighten his rat’s nest of hair.

“Yeah?” Dave replies, watching like he’s a shooting star.

“Is everything okay?”

Welp.

This is it. This is the moment. He’s never going to get an opening better than this one, so it’s time to charge in there, sword up, no fear, all _Hey, Karkat, my external horseshit meter is…_

Fuck.

The second he loses the script, he loses the nerve. He swallows down a flock of butterflies erupting up his esophagus and rolls over. “Uh, yep, sure, everything’s fucking dope, dude, I’m just, uh, I’m going to go out to --”

“Dammit, Dave!”

When a troll is mad, they can snarl in a way that activates a primal fear of predators in a human strong enough to strip all rational thought away. Dave freezes, one foot in a shoe and half out of their makeshift bed, right before Karkat grabs him by the shoulder and pulls him roughly back down into bed.

“Oof.” Dave lands on his back, staring up at a pair of furiously drawn thick eyebrows and flashing troll eyes. “Uh.”

“Kanaya keeps going on about how I shouldn’t try and force anything out of you, but fuck that and fuck her and while I’m fucking things, fuck you, too!”

Even in his current state, Dave has the wherewithal to wiggle his eyebrows at that, but he stops when Karkat climbs on top of him with all the steel-jawed, eyes-forward purpose of a guy climbing Everest. He grabs two handfuls of Dave’s shirt and scowls down at him, lips pulled back to reveal his wedge teeth and bright red gums.

“Is this about to get sexy?” Dave asks, but it’s a rhetorical question. There’s no telltale glow on Karkat’s cheeks or shoulders or chest. It’s probably a lot less voulez vous couchez avec moi and more murder on his mind.

“Oh my shit, with the way you’ve been acting? I’d rather hump a prickleshrub! I’m making sure you don’t try and beeline out of here like some howling cluckbeast instead of talking to me! You know, that thing I’ve been given you opportunity after opportunity to do for the past few weeks? Now close your talk blaster for a goddamned second and pay the fuck attention!”

Dave swallows down half a dozen clever retorts and looks straight up, instead, into Karkat’s eyes. The thing is, he’s getting yelled at, but already, he feels… better. Karkat may be as mad as an entire hive of bees, but he’s here. He’s looking at him. He’s paying attention.

There are worse things than someone caring enough to be this pissed at you.

They stare at each other in silence for a long, long minute. Crickets chirp. Birds sing. Karkat’s eyes are like bloody pinpricks. God. He’s so gorgeous.

Karkat’s the one who looks away. “Well?” he demands, sullen.

“Oh, come on, now, that’s just being unfair. Well? Well, what, really? You’re the one who told me to stop talking. I’m just doing as I’m told, you know, and here you go, acting like --”

Karkat slaps a hand over Dave’s mouth. “Why the fuck is it that whenever I want you to be quiet, it’s the Dave Strider verbal diarrhea power hour, but then when I want you to _say_ something, you just sit there?”

Dave’s stomach drops.

Karkat must see something in his face, because he pulls his hand back and furrows his brow. “What?”

“Yeah,” Dave says, closing his eyes to block out Karkat’s perfect fucking face. “I mean, sounds about right.”

“What are you going on about?”

“I mean, I’m the fucking _worst_ , and that sure does sound like me.”

“What are you talking about? I wasn’t issuing an invitation for you to dump a fresh load of manure onto yourself, fuckskull!”

“Anyway, I bet _Jake_ knows when to shut up and when to talk about his--”

“Jake? Why the blistering shit are we talking about _Jake_?”

“Uh, because you’re going to leave me for his hot ass literally any day now!”

Dave realizes that he’s gotten very loud in their shelter. That he’s nearly shouting. That Karkat is staring down at him like he just sprouted an extra head and a couple wings while he was at it.

“Or,” Dave continues, weakly, “or, you know, something like that.”

Karkat slides off Dave’s lap and collapses into his pile of blankets. For a minute, he’s actually quiet. Scarily quiet. The kind of quiet that makes Dave think of an impassive face and crying alone in his room.

“Hey,” Dave says, finally, because he’d do almost anything just to break that silence.

“You actually think I’d leave you,” Karkat repeats. “For… _Jake?_ ”

“I mean,” Dave tries, but said out loud like that, with Karkat’s voice so hurt and bemused, it just sounds so _stupid._ “I mean, you two have been spending some time together. And getting along. And. And he likes movies. And he’s _smoking._ ”

“That’s the second time you’ve said that in two minutes, and somehow _you’re_ the one who’s jealous?”

“He is, though! And -- and so are _you_ , come on! You must know. You’re a fucking grade A mega-hottie, Karkat, Jesus, and… fuck it, dude, I mean, now you’ve got choices, yeah? You’ve got like, options. And why the fuck would you stick with me when I’m uh pretty fucking obviously the _worst_ of them?”

“Because I _love you?_ ” Karkat snaps, voice like a chainsaw starting up. “Like I’ve said, and you’ve said, a couple dozen times, now?

Dave swallows.

“Doesn’t that count for something?”

“I mean, yeah. Obviously, yeah, of course it does, Karkat, but that was before.”

“Before _what_?”

“Before _options._ ”

Karkat growls again, even more harshly than last time, and he rolls over on top of Dave, attacking him, wrapping arms around him tightly. Dave has just enough time to manage a strangled sound of protest before he’s being manhandled roughly on _top_ of Karkat. He feels the shift of plates beneath Karkat’s velvety skin, and, pulling himself up onto his elbows, sees the red glow around his shoulders and arms, echoed by a fainter one on his chest.

“Oh, shit,” Dave murmurs. “You’re _that_ kind of pissed at me.”

“Of course I am,” Karkat shoots back, the colour in his face deepening beyond mere horny-glo into full on blush. “You’re being possessive and skull-scramblingly stupid at the same time. What other kind of pissed should I be?”

“I’m not complaining,” Dave says, squirming, liking the feel of Karkat’s skin. “I like this kind.”

“I don’t! I’m trying to make a point!”

“If this were one of your books,” Dave points out, “this would be where you prove I’m the only one for you by fucking me up real good.”

“Shut up. And for the record, the last time I tried, you weren’t especially interested.”

Dave swallows and looks away. “Sorry,” he murmurs.

Karkat sighs. It’s a kind of long-suffering, exasperated, but fond sigh that makes Dave’s toes curl and his kaleidoscope of anxieties momentarily slide away. It’s as much _I adore you_ as it is _you fucking tool._

“Look,” Dave says. “Look, Karkat. I know I’m being stupid.”

“Do you?”

“Yeah, I do. I mean, intellectually, at least, sure! Rose was right about all of it. I’m being unfair. I get to have friends. You deserve your own life. You would never actually do anything. Bunch of other shit, probably. I mean, yeah. That makes sense, right? I know this stuff. I _know_ this stuff. But dude, getting that through to my fucking _gut_ is just impossible, because…”

He screeches to a halt, snapping his mouth shut and trapping some truly gnarly shit behind his teeth. He holds his breath, because even that is going to push that shit out.

Karkat’s hands are on his hips. He sits up, pulling Dave closer. Their faces are near enough that Dave could kiss him, and he thinks that if he does, he might be able to keep the rest of this shit buried forever.

He’s not sure if he should, though.

“Because?” Karkat prompts.

The dam explodes.

“Because anyone with half a fucking brain can tell that I’m not good enough for you.” It escapes in a rush, like a lanced boil, leaving an aching emptiness in its wake.

A beat of silence.

Then,

“You’re good enough for _anyone_ ,” Karkat says, with so much passion and fire behind his voice that it makes every hair on Dave’s spine stand up at once. “And I’m going to be right here in six million years, whether you want me or not, shitbreath.”

And, shitbreath or not, Karkat is kissing him.

It’s ferocious and wild and full of tongue and teeth, and it’s _good_. When Dave cracks open his eyes and peers down, he sees that _all_ of his boyfriend is lit up, black and red spots in perfect tandem. 

*

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

TG: yo    
TG: you headin over to jakes today    
CG: AFTER DINNER, YES.    
CG: WE’RE WATCHING A HUMAN MOVIE CALLED “TWILIGHT,” WHICH JAKE INSISTS CHANGED THE ROMANTIC FILM GENRE ON EARTH FOR THE REST OF HISTORY.    
CG: IT SOUNDS REALLY INTERESTING.    
CG: YOU CAN COME IF YOU WANT.    
TG: oh my dick    
TG: uh yeah bro    
TG: im gonna take a hard pass on that shit sorry    
TG: like the hardest possible pass    
TG: pass so hard it’s all pulsating and veiny and making everyone in the room uncomfortable    
TG: ron jeremy hard pass there    
CG: WE FUCKING GET IT.    
TG: ok i really needed to communicate just how little i wanted to come for that    
TG: uh    
TG: have fun tho    
TG: ill be here when you get home    
CG: … YEAH. I WILL.    
CG: I’LL MISS YOU.    
CG: I LOVE YOU.    
TG: yeah    
TG: uh yeah cool    
TG: i love you too 

**Author's Note:**

> For a little fic exchange and also for icel's birthday :)


End file.
